TIP: LOOK BAD-ASS

Now that the zombie apocalypse has FINALLY come, the name of the game is “Bad Ass”. The more badass you look, the less likely people are going to mess with you. If you “walk the walk” right, most people won’t care if you will actually “talk the talk”.

To “walk the walk” you need to “look the look”.... BAD ASS 

First of all, safety first: eye protection (goggles, sunglasses etc.), knee pads, elbow pads and gloves.  To bump it up an extra notch, wear a mask. Nothing too extreme, you need something practical. Something that covers your face, but is light, can breathe, has good eye holes and doesn’t lower your hearing. You don’t need a mask, only if you feel it would work. If you don’t have a mask, a bandana will work.  Don’t wear baggy clothes. Not only does it look unprofessional, baggy clothes are easy for zombies to grab a hold of. Wear darker clothes, it looks professional; just as a business man wouldn’t wear a bright pink suit to a meeting. As far as foot wear, don’t wear any open toe shoes (sorry surfer dudes). Wear anything that would be effective for kicking a zombies head in, i.e. boots or thick sneakers.

Carry two main weapons and two small ones: the more weapons you have, the more dangerous you look. Example: Cary a base ball bat in your hands. Have an axe slung around you; hanging on your back. On your belt hold your gun. If you don’t have a gun, keep a knife or two. Specifically, two of the biggest knives you have. I know I said not to use knives before, but these are just for show. Here is a line from one of my favourite movies, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels which explains my point:
“Also I think knives are a good idea, you know, big fuck-off shiny knives, the ones that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good because they don't make any noise, and the less noise the more we're likely to use them. That'll shit 'em up and make us look like pros”.
Using knives can be a bad idea when dealing with humans, but is okay for zombies. But for now, knives are for show.

Look mean. Look scary. Look bad-ass.

STEP SEVEN

Once you get everything you can gather from the hardware store, go back to base. You should unload everything you have found, even if it’s not much. Whenever you leave your vehicle, make it look like it is empty. These days, anybody will break into your vehicle if they see anything valuable or neat you’ve left on the seat. So go to base and empty all you findings from the vehicle and into the house. If you leave them in your vehicle while checking out another area, the ones in the back of your vehicle might get stolen by other scavengers. Don’t try and put a tarp over your gear to hide them: that just makes other people more suspicious about what is in the back. Look at the picture, when the worlds gone to hell, wouldn't you look what's under the tarp?

Don’t spend too much time at base; you still have stuff to do! You are going back out there, so if you can, upgrade your weapons. If you found anything better than the weapon you took to the hardware store, swap it. Leave the masses of weapons with the people at your base camp, but take the best weapons for yourself if you are one of the people going back out. Grab the most dangerous and scary looking weapon. Anything that makes it looks like you mean business, because you might have some close encounters coming up. You need to look bad-ass, which is the next blogs theme. STAY TUNE FOR THE “How to look Bad-ass” TIP!

STEP SIX ALTERNATIVE

Okay, let’s say the hardware store you go to is already cleared out. All the gardening equipment, water, paint, wood, guns, food, etc are gone. What do you do?

 If it the hardware store looks like no one is in there, park up and go in with caution. Everyone in your search group should have some sort of weapon. Go in and try to scavenge anything you see. But move around the store in case there are a few brain dead zombies sneaking around, or even worse... people.

Some places may have a “Home Renovation” department. There you will find things like, doors, toilets, cabinets, tiles etc. Have a look through there. Especially look for staircase railings. Some places may have the railings cut up into base ball bat like shapes. If you find any tables and chairs, screw off the legs: they could do some pretty nasty damage to a human head. Things like table legs are something you will find because no ever thinks to look at tables or chairs in a zombie apocalypse. Go to the toilet section, and screw off all the toilet seats (not the “U” shape seats with the hole, the one on top that covers it). Those things are pretty heavy and could easily be used to smash a zombie over the head with or could even be turned into a shield. Yeah. A shield. I know it’s not the middle ages, but when zombies are all grouped around you and they want to bite your face off, being able to push them back (without using your hands) with a toilet cover, isn’t such a bad idea.

Remember to think outside the box.

After you clear out what you can, get back in your vehicle and think about any other hardware stores in the area that you think could be safe. Check them out. Don’t travel too far, the last thing you want is an hour’s drive back with your friend in the back seat screaming because he got his arm ripped off in a zombie encounter. So keep your search close to your main base.

STEP SIX: DAY TWO

Congratulations, you have survived your first night of the apocalypse! Or at least most of you have.

Now the infection is growing. There aren’t a lot of zombies walking around, but there a lot of more people bitten and on the path to changing. Keep someone on the lookout from the top floor windows. You need to be aware when it is safe to go outside. Because today is the day you need to do some shopping.

Today you need to make a run for the closest hardware store. Don’t go to one that is in a complex of stores; go to one that stands by its own. The bigger the shopping mall, the bigger the parking lot, and the harder it will be to drive through.

You need to go to the hardware store because you need to gather more deadly weapons than a frying pan and a potato peeler. But it probably will be closed, so be prepared to smash some windows. You need to gather up weapons that will take down a zombie or a person. Gather anything that is either sharp or blunt, and preferably made of light metal. If you are struggling to pick it up on the first go, it’s not worth taking. Go to the “gardening” section for the best weapons: axes, pickaxes, hoes, hand hoes, rakes, hand rakes, chainsaws (and as much fuel for it as you can manage), sheers, edgers, saws, shovels (flat heads and round heads), hammers, hedge clippers, etc. Remember anything can be a weapon.

Some hardware stores may even have a “gun/hunting” section. If it already hasn’t been gutted out, take what you can. While you are there, get some cans of paint (the reason will be explained later). Grab some 4x4s, some hammers and nails (later you will need to board up the house). Also, clear out the vending machines and collect all food/water you see.

SPECIAL TIP: Go to the “home keeping” section and grab the “ironing distilled water”. The water is made to add water to your iron for ironing clothes. BUT it just distilled water, fine for drinking! Not many people will think of it, so it has a good chance of being there!

Make the trip fast. You don’t want to get caught with all the goods when other people show up trying to do the same!

STEP FIVE: Household weapons

Now that you have secured your temporary living arrangement, you need to gather up items throughout the house that could be used as a weapon. It’s not that you’re going to bash anyone who comes to the door over the head (just yet). But if anyone succeeds in breaking into your house, you need to be able to protect yourself. Obviously the best weapons for fighting off humans (or at least persuading them to leave your property) are guns. Right now, if someone breaks down the front door and you point a gun at them, they will be more scared than if you had a frying pan. But not everybody has a gun lying around the house. So the next best weapon is some sort of big blunt object, such as a baseball bat or shovel.

And I know what a lot of you are thinking: “No, obviously a sharp knife or a sword of some sort will be better”. No. With a sharp knife/sword you need to get in close with your enemy, and physically plunge it into their body; killing them. Two things: one, getting in close to your attacker with a knife is dangerous because chances are you aren’t trained with using a knife, but they might be. And two, not many people have it in them to physically shove a knife into a living person’s body. The reason why a baseball bat or a shovel is better is because you don’t have to be too close to hit them, and hitting a person over the head is easier than stabbing their throat. Although big ass knives are intimidating and effective, they are not as practical as a longer range weapon. But don’t give up on knives/swords, they still work.

Don’t be afraid to get creative with these house hold weapons: everything is a weapon.

Baseball bats, shovels, axes, pitchforks, kitchen knives, chair legs, chainsaws, power cords, coat hangers, glass bottles, musical instrument (guitar, drum sticks, mini keyboard, flute etc.), printers, computer monitors, pens, pencils, speakers, foldable stools/chairs, walking sticks, rocks, water jugs, sculptures, deodorant sprays, hard hats, ANYTHING. These weapons don’t have to kill anyone on the first hit (although it helps), but anything that will cause pain and slow them down is required.

Everyone should have two to three weapons each. A big weapon, and one or two small weapons. My preference would be a shovel (with a metal tip), a hatchet, and a small kitchen knife.

Keep calm and protect yourself.

STEP FOUR: FIRST NIGHT

This is still day one. There is no need to place bear traps on the lawn or booby-trap trees to fall down, just yet. The number of people infected is still very low, but for the moment, that’s not your top concern. Right now you need to worry about the living too. There will be swarms of frightened people breaking into houses, trying to steal supplies.

Killing brain dead zombies with a shovel is easy (child’s play really), but do you have it in you to kill an intruding, living person? And unless someone in the group happens to have a gun, you will have to kill them, up close with a household weapon. You will need to be prepared for this moment. It could happen at any time.

To prevent this situation from happening you need to properly barricade the house.

It’s only the first night; you probably won’t have any 4x4s laying around the house to board up the doors. You will have to pick them up from the hardware store another day, but not tonight. For now you need to have better security than just the locks on the doors. All the doors in the house will need to have a big piece of furniture wedged under the handle. NOT a just a simple chair. A person willing to break into a house to steal supplies will be stronger than a chair. You need a couch or a cabinet; something strong enough to stop a living breathing person. Later on when the human population decreases, this tactic will change. But for now, the reinforced doors need to be a tough as possible.

The first door a scavenger will try to break into is the back door(s). The back door(s) needs to be the strongest; enough that it feels impossible to break into, influencing them to give up and move on.

All the windows that can be seen into from the street, needs to be covered from the inside with carpets. Basic curtains and/or blinds won’t hide all the light from the inside completely. The top floor doesn’t need to be covered (unless necessary); you’ll still need to be able to look out once in a while. But remember that any room with an uncovered window must be closed off at night (i.e. closing the door to the room) from any inside light source.

DAY ONE TIP: Do NOT attempt to go get food

Do not go out stealing food from the stores just yet. If the zombie apocalypse turns out to be controlled quickly, or even just a hoax, you may get arrested over a stupid theft. Not only that, but on the first day you will always have Nervous Nellys or Hot Head Charlies freaking out at the stores. Those people will bring guns to the supermarket, shooting their way through the panicking stampede. If you went there on the first day you may get killed from the chaos of the crowd, either trampled to death or shot. Even if you managed to get some food to your vehicle, the parking lots will soon be jammed, and there will be no way out. Don't go to convenient/small food stores either; most of the small places may have guns behind the counter. They won't be letting anybody in, and won't be sympathetic to your needs. Also, with a large group of people, there way be an infected amung them who could potentially infect YOU. Avoid food stores for the first two days. After that you can grab remainders, or even find food off people who didn't make it past the parking lot.  

Step Three

If it is not your house you are going to be staying at, you need to pack.

Clothing: Nothing fancy (i.e. suits or dresses) or big and bulky. You need basic clothes: jeans, shorts, shirts, and 2 jackets. Not a lot. Remember you are only leaving temporarily. If it seems to be a permanent stay, or you hit the road, go back and collect some more.

Personal items: This is a temporary move, leave everything. No one is going to break into your house while you're away stealing your photo albums or memorabilia. Leave it all behind, go back at get them when a more permanent move is afoot.

Food: Bring food that will expire. Since this is still day one, there will still be working ovens, refrigerators, electricity etc. but not for long. Take advantage of it. Eat food that can't be eaten without ovens/microwaves. Hide all the food that cannot expire (i.e. junk food, chips, candy bars, Twinkies, canned food etc) in the house so no one can steal them.  Just take the fresh food that needs to be eaten before it expires. Keep the "survival food" for when the electricity goes out.

Step Two

Decide on a stable, reliable, temporary place to hide out for a few days. A house away from a populated area (i.e. mall). Big enough for the required people, but small enough where you can keep an eye on all the doors. As many bathrooms and bedroom as possible, with a fenced off back yard. Apartments will work, but not if you're trying to survive in big groups. Especially once the power goes out and the elevators stop working, there will be a lot of stairs to climb per trip up and down. And if zombies find a way inside the apartment, the only escape route is over the balcony. So if you decide to stay in an apartment, pick a floor that is high enough that zombies can't climb into, but is close enough to the ground that you can survive an emergency jump out of the window. Block off all stairwells from the inside, so that only you can open them. The good thing about apartment buildings is that you can scout through other empty rooms and find supplies other people have left behind. Also, most apartments have security cameras in the front lobby that can be watched on a channel through the television keeping a look out for zombies trying to break in.

Step One

The first thing you do when you know this is the apocalypse is for you to go home. Doesn't matter where you are, school, work, the gym, or at the mall (especially if you're at the mall), you go home ASAP. You need to regroup with your family. Not all of them, just family you live with or live close to you. Once all your family members meet back at home, grab the phone and start making some calls. One person calls family, and another calls friends. The person calling family asks how the outbreak is happening in their area, telling them to stay put and you will all meet up together later. The person calling friends, is only calling close friends. Friends you want in your survival group, people you can trust. People who won't abandon you during a zombie attack. But not many; 2-3 people maximum. The more people, the more different opinions, the more arguments, the more mouths to feed, the more fuel burnt traveling on the road, etc.  BUT you will need several hands to hold down a fort, so don't be completely alone.

DAY ONE

This is it. Day one of the outbreak. The beginning of the end. The dead have risen up from the ground, and are now feeding on the living. But don't worry, this is just day on. There aren't  many zombies walking around the streets, killing the masses of people, and blocking off roads yet. The only ones fighting the zombies are the police or small armed civilians, no military involvement yet. At this time, it doesn't matter how it started; government experiment, voodoo, a virus, a mutation. All you know is that the dead are walking, coming after YOU. So what do you do when you see or hear about the first zombie invasion?